Tuesday, January 18, 2005

not so little boys

Tonight I just couldn't stop the tears. Mom left this afternoon after a wonderful week here. I don't know why I can have infinite patience with my son, but not my mother. Our visit was great, but I know they can be even better if I learn to just chill out and stop trying to be a mom to everyone. This evening Spencer and I were singing and dancing together to a Raffi CD that mom had brought. As we were listening to "Puff the Magic Dragon," Spencer stood up by himself for the first time (in the middle of the room, without needing to pull up on any one of anything else) and it was exactly as the line "a dragon lives forever, but not so little boys" was sung. And the tears started streaming down my face as I think about the "infant" chapter in his life coming to a close. We'll move forward together with new and maturing relationships, but this part is gone forever and I am really beginning to understand how it can make a mom so, so sad that these days are behind us. Then my mind flashed to yesterday's Oprah with Nate Berkus recounting his experience in Sri Lanka when the tsunami hit. And I could only think about poor Nate crying and mourning the horrific loss of his partner who he watched, and felt, get carried away from him in the waters. His loss is permanent, but Spencer will continue to be a part of my life, just in a different way. Nonetheless, the tears just kept coming down my face as I tried to smile and keep singing along for my son.

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